never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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