He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
