6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
