were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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