Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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