I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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