erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
