a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
