My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
