"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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