everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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