I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize