dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
