i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
