We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
