Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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