don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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