Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it's great music for shaving your balls
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
