it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
