Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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