Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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