Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
