I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
