Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
