Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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