I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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