I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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