Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
