My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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