you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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