mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
