So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
