i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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