Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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