He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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