i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
