I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
