So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
