I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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