I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
sex in a hospital.. check
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
