he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
