he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
