Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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