weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
