Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
