what day is it and did you see me today?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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