y did u give ur computer a hand job?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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