using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
