My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
