Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
