meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
