You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
