No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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