my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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