Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
