i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
sarcasm needs its own font
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
