The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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