Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
