Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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