mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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